


anger

by TheDisappearingAct



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: F/F, hey squad im back on this bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 01:15:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20788148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDisappearingAct/pseuds/TheDisappearingAct
Summary: Celeste knows she keeps hurting people.





	anger

It seems that lately all Celeste is capable of doing is being mad at herself. 

Her therapist would argue that these self villianizing thoughts are irrational but Celeste knows they must have stemmed from somewhere. She may be emotionally vulnerable but she's still lucid enough to know that she's hurt people. 

One of them being Madeline. 

In the aftermath of Perry's death, there was little time to reflect. The "Monterey Five" were forced to work harder to maintain their facade and relationships and so Madeline and Celeste never really discussed Celeste's secrecy. And so Celeste had foolishly considered that, maybe, everything between them was back to normal. 

_Normalcy._ It was cliched to say, but nothing in life was normal anymore. Not even Madeline and her's friendship. 

Celeste wasn't really sure what finally made her realize how much all of this was affecting Madeline. Maybe it was the check-up phone calls every night, the offers to take the twins off her hands for a few hours, the consistent stopping by to check in. But finally, she understood.

Madeline was overcompensating for not knowing about Perry. 

Celeste couldn't have that on her conscience so she made plans to fix this. She would call up Madeline for some coffee at her house and then reassure her that everything was okay and that she was sorry for not confiding in her. Simple. Of the two, Madeline was much more upfront with her emotions but Celeste decided a little role reversal would be good for their friendship

But when Madeline walked in that Wednesday afternoon Celeste felt her throat closing. She hadn't realized how long it had been since Madeline had been properly inside her house. She was suddenly acutely aware of the rugs that needed to be cleaned and the chipped corner on the table in the hallway. Self consciousness was not something Celeste was used to. 

"Oh my god Celeste, you look like you're about to pass out. Sit down."

No greetings, just straight action. How typical of Madeline. 

She took Celeste by the arm and led her to the couch. "Are you sure you're okay? They don't have you on something strong do they?"

"Oh no, I'm alright." Celeste replied. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what came over me." 

"Don't worry about it! The stuff they're giving out these days are so strong, I wouldn't want you caught up in it. I was reading this article on Facebook about how just having a silent house is sometimes better than sleeping pills so if you ever need an empty home feel free to send the boys here." 

Madeline Martha Mackenzie's offers for support had begun.

"No, no. It's okay Madeline. I'm alright." She took Madeline's hands in her own and looked her in the eyes. "Actually, _I'm sorry._"

Madeline looked incredulous. This was one of the few moments Celeste had seen her speechless. 

After a few seconds to long, she spoke. "_What?_"

"I know that you feel hurt knowing that I was going through all of this and I didn't tell you so... I'm sorry." 

"Celeste I don't mean to over react but why the fuck are you apologizing?" Her brow was furrowed and she seemed almost angry. 

This was not the reaction Celeste had expected. "Because I've hurt you." 

Her face softened. "Celeste," Madeline looked her in the eyes. "_Celeste, Celeste, Celeste._ You hurt me because _you _were hurting. Why would I ever hold that against you?" 

"I'm not saying you're holding it against me. I'm saying that you're hurt and you deserve an apology for it."

"Am I angry that I never knew what was going on between you and Perry? Yes. But I am angry at myself, Celeste. I could never be angry with you." she replied, shaking her head. 

"You deserve to be." 

Madeline looked up at her with so much concern, Celeste worried that she had said something that she shouldn't have. 

"You don't deserve anyone's anger, Celeste." Madeline replied, taking Celeste's hands in hers. "I want you to know that." 

Celeste cheeks felt hot. Madeline wasn't saying anything that her therapist hadn't said before. But hearing it from Madeline was different. A kind of intimacy she realized she hadn't had since Perry had died. 

"I know," she replied, allowing herself to be taken in Madeline's arms. 

The two women held each other. 


End file.
